Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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