Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I currently don't understand fingers.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
