you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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