They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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