do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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