Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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