I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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