everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
