There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize