Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize