OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
