it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
