please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
