I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
