I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize