What a fucking waste of an outfit
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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