I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
