somebody snuck up and got me drunk
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
