Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
