why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
