we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Randomize
