Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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