her facebook's as public as her vagina
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize