Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
