WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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