Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
