I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
