Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
