Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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