I can text with my tongue
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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