new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
