just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
