Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
