The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
being pregnant is like rehab
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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