If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
