sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
