so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
