she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
she peed on how many people?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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