am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
