Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
