I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
