I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
