you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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