I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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