I will die if light touches me.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
