The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
