Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
