I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
