I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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