So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
