The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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