nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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