i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
