The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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