Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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