So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
