sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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