you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize