Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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