I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
