This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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