I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Randomize
