Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
